Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

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Cailon
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Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Cailon »

Hi, I translated some extra stuff from my German volume, but I need some proofreaders (and an editor of course).
The script now goes jap-ger-eng, so like I said, I bet you'll find many mistakes. Also correct the sentences if you want to, I have some very engrishy phrases there but sometimes I just don't know the particular english saying for that.

If you guys are willing to proofread, I also have the extra pages of vol. 2 (Zalem) and vol. 11 (Gun-page) up my sleeve...

Here is the picture, thing with the the numbers should be obvious.
Image

Script

1. Explanation

2. The vampires in the universe of Alita

3. Throughout the entire history of mankind, vampires have been feared as supernatural beings.
Due to advances in biological research in the second half of the 20th century, it turned out that vampires are humans spontaneously mutated, infected with the V-virus - that alters the DNA.
The carriers of this virus are called “V-mutants”.

4. black sign: History
Because of the experiences with the strict oppression by the Christian community in the European Medieval Age, the oldest of the "V-mutants" met in the 17th century to found the secret society "La Société". In this society, they organized all the "V-mutants" living and acting alone until then all over the world, educated them and prevented them from doing exaggerated atrocities that would have only led them to their own extinction. Simultaneously, they mediated a plan that made coexistence with ordinary humans possible.

5. In “La Société”, “vampire” is known as a depreciatory term used by humans. They refer to themselves as “cognates”.

6.
top to bottom: 1-13
--1. V-mutants
--2. Yes, but they also eat common food.
--3. Yes.
--4. Have self-healing powers like wild animals but they die like normal humans.
--5. None.
--6. Yes, but that would kill everyone.
--7. Yes, but the chance of surviving is under 1%.
--8. No, men, as well as women, are unable to reproduce.
--9. No, but on devout Christians in earlier times, stigmata could have occurred.
--10. No.
--11. Have senses and muscles like wild animals.
--12. No, they don’t turn into ashes but they get burns.
--13. It depends on the person.

7.
--1. (Legendary) Vampires/fabled Vampires
--2. Yes.
--3. Yes
--4. Yes, as long as their weak points aren’t attacked.
--5. Turn into bats, move as smoke and so on.
--6. Yes.
--7. Yes.
--8. Unknown.
--9. Yes.
--10. Yes.
--11. None. [strange, in the raw, it’s the same dot like in other “Yes”-cases...]
--12. Yes.
--13. Yes.

8.
--1. –
--2. suck human blood.
--3. do not age.
--4. are immortal.
--5. supernatural powers.
--6. die when a stake is driven into their hearts.
--7. Every bitten one turns into a vampire.
--8. leave offspring.
--9. Can not bear the cross.
--10. Have no reflection/mirror image. [double negation, so legendary Vampires have no reflection, Cognates have one, ok?^^]
--11. special abilities.
--12. turn into ashes when exposed to sunlight.
--13. Do not like garlic.

9. Altered Shock.

10. The V-virus is very difficultly transmitted. A transmission can only happen by exchanging blood or other body fluids.
Once infected, a strong physical reaction known as the "altered shock" occurs. In this, symptoms like very low blood pressure, intensive pain, hallucinations, clouding of consciousness, fever, convulsions and acampsia of the muscles last for about 70 hours. Nearly all infected ones die in the course of this process.
It is assumed that growth and sex hormones are to be linked with this death rate.

11. survival rate against age when infected
(averagely three month after the infection)
-------------------------------------------------------age

12. When the symptoms of the altered shock are kicking in, the temperature has a great influence on the survival rate also.
There is a statistic saying that the survival rate drops drastically at temperatures over 25°C. That is considered one of the factors why there are nearly no V-mutants in the troupes.

13. The three main causes for death

14. suicide

15. Even if infected ones have physically overcome the altered shock, they are not safe yet because there are now psychical dangers lying before them.
Due to the physical alterations, the aggressiveness is increasing as if with a predator (the so called blood thirst), but it happens quite often that involuntarily infected and particularly good people, because of religious or moral causes, suppress this urge and do not accept themselves after the alterations anymore.
There even is a statistic that nearly 60% commit suicide within the first 10 years of the infection because of that. This demonstrates that the only humans suited to be "V-mutants" are the ones who had the psyche of a murderer beforehand, who could kill in cold blood.

16. Killed by others

17. With "V-mutants" who, on the other hand, have fun in killing without enjoying the protective oversight of "La Société", there is a tendency to let a crime escalate blindfold.
Cases where these V-mutants themselves are attacked and killed by the police and the human society center on the first 20 years after the infection.
After that, the number of deaths due to attacks by others drops because the relevant cognates gained experience and improved their attacking skills, and they have also learned to stay calm. More than half of the death causes now are because of disputes with the likes of him.

18. Illness

19. The more resistant the body of a V-Mutants is against outer injuries, the weaker it is against illnesses.
Cancer is one of the main issues. It is assumed that this has to do with the mechanism of the cell division not aging.
It is said that the risk of getting affected with cancer 50 years after the infection is 30 times higher compared to common humans. However, 100 years after the infection, the rate of affection drops drastically.
There is an adage in the “La Société” saying that one who lived for 200 years will never lose his live, unless in a power struggle with the likes of him.

20. Causes for death after the infection
- suicide
- killed by others
- illness
--------------------------------------------------------------------- years

21. All the data from above was collected by “La Société”. Especially in Europe, “La Société” vaunted a power that allowed it to mediate with human governments. With the catastrophe, however, it foundered together with the old civilization of mankind.
Last edited by Cailon on Sat Mar 07, 2009 7:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Dharko
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Dharko »

Excellent Cailon. If You send me a page cleaned [without red numbers] I´ll do my best in editing.
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Sergio Nova
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Sergio Nova »

Let me try to give my share in the cake:

3. Throughout the entire history of mankind, vampires were/have been feared as supernatural beings.
Due to advances in biological research in the second half of the 20th century, it turned out that vampires are humans spontaneously mutated, infected with the V-virus - that alters the DNA.
The carriers of this virus are called “V-mutants”.

The verb were is changed by the conjunction where; anyway, I think that present perfect is more adequate - except if the text refers to past without consequences in the present. I have also changed the commas.

4. black sign: History
Because of the experiences with the strict oppression by the Christian community in the European Medieval Age, the oldest of the “V-mutants” met in the 17th century to found the secret society La Société. In this society, they organized all the V-mutants living and acting alone until then all over the world, educated them and prevented them from doing exaggerated atrocities that would have only led them to their own extinction. Simultaneously, they mediated a plan that made coexistence with ordinary humans possible.

I have altered the usage of commas and also the name of the society. In Last Order volume 9 page 84 it is La Société.

5. In La Société, vampire is known as a depreciatory term used by humans. They refer to themselves as cognates.

I have changed the nouns to lowercase for obvious reasons.

6.4. self-healing powers

Unnecessary hyphen.

6.8. No, men and women are unable to reproduce. or
No, men, as well as women, are unable to reproduce.

8.6. die when a stake is driven into their hearts.

No reason for a comma.

10. The V-virus is very difficultly transmitted. A transmission can only happen by exchanging blood or other body fluids. Once infected, a strong physical reaction known as the altered shock occurs. In this, symptoms like very low blood pressure, intensive pain, hallucinations, clouding of consciousness, fever, convulsions and ankylosis of the muscles last for about 70 hours. Nearly all infected ones die in the course of this process. It is assumed that growth and sex hormones are to be linked with this death rate.

Usage of appositive, lowercase, ankylosis (Acampsia exists, for example, in Portuguese, but I was unable to find it in any of my English language dictionaries. The Portuguese-English dictionaries give ankylosis), definite article, growth (I have removed the hyphen).


11. survival rate against age when infected
(averagely three months after the infection)

According to Collins English Dictionary and Oxford English Dictionary, the adverb does exist.

12. When the symptoms of the altered shock are kicking in, the temperature has a great influence on the survival rate also. There is a statistic saying that the survival rate drops drastically at temperatures over 25°C. That is considered one of the factors why there are nearly no V-mutants in the troupes.

Adverbial structure, continuos tense, noun.

15. Even if infected ones have physically overcome the altered shock, they are not safe yet because there are now psychical dangers lying before them. Due to the physical alterations, the aggressiveness is increasing as if with a predator (the so called blood thirst), but it happens quite often that involuntarily infected and particularly good people, because of religious or moral causes, suppress this urge and do not accept themselves after the alterations anymore. There even is a statistic that nearly 60% commit suicide within the first 10 years of the infection because of that. This demonstrates that the only humans suited to be V-mutants are the ones who had the psyche of a murderer beforehand, who could kill in cold blood.

Missing there to be, conjunction, comma required, sentence structure.

16. Killing through others

Certainly! It combines with the subsequent text.

17. With V-mutants who, on the other hand, have fun in killing without enjoying the protective oversight of La Société, there is a tendency to let a crime escalate blindfold. Cases where these V-mutants themselves are attacked and killed by the police and the human society center on the first 20 years after the infection. After that, the number of deaths due to attacks by others drops because the relevant cognates gained experience and improved their attacking skills, and they have also learned to stay calm. More than half of the death causes now are because of disputes with the likes of him.

Comma usage, center (we are using American English), usage of adverb.

19. The more resistant the body of a V-Mutants is against outer injuries, the weaker it is against illnesses. Cancer is one of the main issues. It is assumed that this has to do with the mechanism of the cell division not aging. It is said that the risk of getting affected with cancer 50 years after the infection is 30 times higher compared to common humans. However, 100 years after the infection, the rate of affection drops drastically. There is an adage in La Société saying that one who lived for 200 years will never lose his live, unless in a power struggle with the likes of him.

Sentence structure (if I understand it well), comma usage, the society, sentence atructure (I have changed saying for adage to avoid repetition).

20. Causes for death after the infection
- suicide
- killed by others

It seems that to me.

21. All the data from above was collected by La Société. Especially in Europe, La Société vaunted a power that allowed it to mediate with human governments. With the catastrophe, however, it foundered together with the old civilization of mankind.

The society, verb usage, comma usage, civilization (American English again).
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Cailon
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Cailon »

@Dharko: Hmm, all text is within boxes, so ne need for redrawing... yes I think I can send you a cleaned page or I'll post it here. ;)
edit: it was easy, here you go: Image
But lets wait for some more proofreading or at least for Sergios comments on the comments.

@Sergio: Thanks! I added the corrected text. Just some comments:

- quotation marks at "V-mutants", "altered shock", "Society" and "Cognates": In the raw, they are also in japanese quotation marks, see these little square brackets: 「Text」 (are that jap. quotation marks??^^)
- Although La Société would be nicer, the katakana say "so-sa-e-te-i". I'd say that sounds more english than french. But it is like you said with vol. 9, then maybe we should use "La Société" for the consistency!?
- acampsia vs. ankylosis: I checked an online dictionary for that but its not in my book-dictionary either. Ankylosis is "stiffness of the joints", acampsia is the medical term for "stiffness" (maybe its not ncluded because its a medical term). Anyway, the term in question is "stiffness of the muscles", so I thought acampsia of the muslces or maybe muscle-acampsia would fit.
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

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Cailon wrote: - quotation marks at "V-mutants", "altered shock", "Society" and "Cognates": In the raw, they are also in japanese quotation marks, see these little square brackets: 「Text」 (are that jap. quotation marks??^^)
So, let's keep the quotation marks. I removed them due to my stupidity. The idea was only to put the nous in lowercase.
Cailon wrote: - Although La Société would be nicer, the katakana say "so-sa-e-te-i". I'd say that sounds more english than french. But it is like you said with vol. 9, then maybe we should use "La Société" for the consistency!?
- acampsia vs. ankylosis: I checked an online dictionary for that but its not in my book-dictionary either. Ankylosis is "stiffness of the joints", acampsia is the medical term for "stiffness" (maybe its not ncluded because its a medical term). Anyway, the term in question is "stiffness of the muscles", so I thought acampsia of the muslces or maybe muscle-acampsia would fit.
La Société.
I agree with you. The question is to guess why it was translated differently.

ankylosis
Both Collins and Oxford include medical terms. Babylon does not have acampsia in English either.
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Cailon »

Ok then, La Société!

Acampsia: Strange. See here: http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictio ... m/acampsia
But lets not dwell on this lonely term. If its not in the OED then nobody can check it, so lets stay with akylosis, since its similar anyway.
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

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Oooook, work in Progress...
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

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Cailon wrote:Ok then, La Société!

Acampsia: Strange. See here: http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictio ... m/acampsia
But lets not dwell on this lonely term. If its not in the OED then nobody can check it, so lets stay with akylosis, since its similar anyway.
All right! I had checked CED and OED, but had forgotten to ask American Heritage Dictionary. Actually, AHD is world-respected as the most important American English dictionary. If it has the term, it is supposed to be respected (even if the term is exclusively used in American English, that is our translation, so…).
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by sater »

wasn't this included in vol. 8 or 9?
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by crazyankan »

It was released in Viz LO 8. Didn't we translate it? Don't remeber.

1: Reveled!

2: Vampires in the world of battle angel alita

3: The supernatural creatures known as vampires haven been feared throughout history. Late 20th century advances in biology showed that they are indeed formerly human, mutated via infection with the retrovirus known as the "V-virus". Carriers of the V-virus are called "Tye-V mutants"

4: Tired of being oppressed by the Christian community in medieval Europe, Type-V mutant elders assembled in the 17th century to found a secret organization known only as "The Society." Type-V mutants across the globe were united, taught to refrain from excessive violence, and integrated with humans into a system of coexistence.

5: The Society considers the word "vampire" a derogatory term and prefers to refer to themselves as "The Cognate."

6: Type-V mutants
Yes, but they also eat normal food
Y
Recuperative powers are exceptional, but they do die
N
Psychical strength, weighted senses and individuals may have even greater unique powers
Yes, but victim's survival rate is less than 1%
Both males and females lose the ability to reproduce
No, but if they were devout Christians, could form stigmata
N
Well, yeah-anyone would
they don't turn to ash, but can get sunburned
Depends on individual taste

7: Vampires (in folklore)
Y
Y
They can only be killed by exposing their weaknesses
Can transform in bats or puffs of smoke, etc.
Y
Y
?
Y
Y
Y
Y
Y

8:
Suck human blood
Eternal youth
Immortal
Paranormal abilities
Special abilities
pass on vampyrism through bites
Reproduce capacity
Are warded off by a cross
have no reflection in reflective surfaces
Will die with a stake through the heart
Reduced to ash by sunlight
Hate garlic

9: Altered shock

10: The V-Virus can only be transmitted through bodily fluids. Once infected, the body goes into a reaction called "Altered shock." Symptoms - including a drop in blood pressure, agonizing pain, hallucinations, stupor, convulsions, and muscle rigidity - continue for about 70 hours. Most die. Survival rates are thought to be correlated to levels of growth hormones and sex hormones.

11: Survival rare at age of infection (at an average of 3 months after infection)

12: The temperature at the onset of symptoms is also through to have a significant impact. Some data imply that survival rates decrease when the temperature goes above 25C- perhaps explaining why there are few Type-V mutants in the tropics.

13: Three main causes of death

14: Suicide

15: getting over Altered Shock doesn't mean the coast is clear. The victim then faces psychological anguish. Carnivorous aggression (the so-called "thirst for blood") increases. If victims did not wish to be infected, they may try to suppress the thirst for moral or religious reasons, and often cannot accept the change that has come over them. The suicide rate within ten years of infection may be as high as 60%. Only someone who thinks nothing of taking a life easily adapt to being a Type-V mutant.

16: Murder

17: If a Type-V mutant finds too much pleasure in killing, and The Society is unable to shelter or confine him, a reckless escalation of crimes may ensue, leading to retaliation or police action. However, once the Type-V gains the skill and experience to attack proficiently (or a desire not to rock the boat) only conflict within the Cognate itself leads to such a murderous end.

18: Disease

19: Type-V mutants are exceptionally resilient against injury, but are surprisingly prone to decease, especially cancer. This is likely related to the mechanism of ageless cell division. The rate of cancer within 50 years of infection is 30 times that of normal. However, the rate drops again 100 years after infection. The Society superstition has it that once one manages to survive 200 years, the likelihood of death is practically zero - expect in power struggles with other cognates.

20: Causes of death, post-infection
Suicide
Murder
Disease
years

21: The above data was gathered by The Society prior to the Catastrophe. The Society had enough clout to have a say in human politics, mainly Europe. However the Catastrophe destroyed their organization along with the rest of civilization.

Viz version
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

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Commenting:

4. Tired of being oppressed by the Christian community in the medieval Europe…

The way it is, it seems the vampires had been victims of intolerance in mediaeval Europe. It seems a sort of exaggeration. To demand acceptance from the Christian (or non-Christian) community, in that case, is demanding too much.

Also, as I said, the term "La Société" has already been used.


5: La Société considers the word "vampire" a derogatory term and prefers to refer to themselves as "cognates".

Themselves is a plural pronoun.
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

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Noooo, all the work for nothing!? :? :( (I'm sorry, Dharko and Sergio)
Bah, but in my Vol.08 on my HDD, it was a raw with still japanese text in it. How comes? I mean, thats where I got the picture from to paint the red boxes around the text. Damn it x-/

Well fuck, but I still could do the Zanber page out of Vol. 11 I think, the gun Zazi used. I think that's not translated yet, isn't it?
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

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Cailon: zazie gunpage ain't translated yet.
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

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Cailon wrote:Bah, but in my Vol.08 on my HDD, it was a raw with still japanese text in it. How comes? I mean, thats where I got the picture from to paint the red boxes around the text. Damn it x-/
Either there is a second edition or crazyankan is mistaken. My copy has not got the page translated either.
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Dharko »

Well, here is a preview. Tell me if there are errors. I´m doing the box, so, while for check this:

EDIT:
See my last post with the final pict here.
Last edited by Dharko on Thu Mar 12, 2009 6:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Sergio Nova »

Great work, Dharko. I have only two notes:

1.In "illness"
There is an adage in "La Société" saying…
[no reason for the]

last panel:
All the data from above were collected by "La Société".
[Actually, this is my fault. Data is a plural noun, and I had not observed it.]
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Dharko »

The last edition, [If there is not any mistake]:

EDIT: New version: next post :lol:
Last edited by Dharko on Sat Mar 14, 2009 7:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Sergio Nova »

Let me applaud both Dharko and Cailon. :P
Such works enrich our community! :mrgreen:
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by crazyankan »

Found some errors in the Vampires/Type-V panel.
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Akumeno »

wow awesome work now I wonder Kishiro maybe is fan of Vampire the mascarade by the secre society stuff or it's only a wild idea of my wacky mind?
Flan is harmony
Flan is power
Flan is law
Flan is destiny
Flan is survival

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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

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Cailon & Sergio, let´s go for the Zanber page now :wink:
Last edited by Dharko on Sat Mar 14, 2009 7:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Sergio Nova »

crazyankan wrote:Found some errors in the Vampires/Type-V panel.
I was unable to find them.
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

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Sergio wrote:
crazyankan wrote:Found some errors in the Vampires/Type-V panel.
I was unable to find them.
for example.
Special abilities(vampires in folklore). Yes (it says NO right now)
special abilities(for Type-V) Psychical strength, weighted senses and individuals may have even greater unique powers
suck human blood(for type-v) yes, but they also eat normal food
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Akumeno »

also I found in te first box below Vampires in hte universe of Gally


Carriers of the V-virus are also called "Tye-V" mutants instead of "Type-V"

BTW guys my spanish english translation wasn't needed after all?? :shock:
Flan is harmony
Flan is power
Flan is law
Flan is destiny
Flan is survival

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Sergio Nova
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Re: Some GLO extra pages --- proofreading needed

Post by Sergio Nova »

Akumeno wrote: BTW guys my spanish english translation wasn't needed after all?? :shock:
You made a Spanish-English translation of these pages?
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